Note from the translator:
This is not a word for word translation. So there will be words missing, or words added when comparing with the original. I gave my best not to change the contents BUT. Sometimes I just had to. The thing is that Kyoux is playing a lot with form and tense, and that made it that bit more difficult to translate. I wanted to leave as much as possible as it is in the original so that the atmosphere and her writing style is reflected. And that might get English people confused sometimes, as it probably would be written differently if the correct English would be used. Of course you'll find mistakes in the text, so please instead of mocking my language skills, just sit back and enjoy a beautiful love story. I decided to try and translate it because I adore their story so much that it would be pity for others not to be able to read it. Especially since the artwork that goes with it is so beautiful. This piece took ...2h... hours to translate, so if you don't like the way it's done, please pay me some respect for the hours I've put into this and don't read. But I really hope you'll like it as much as I do.
10. The Blonde
I feel as if I am on a seesaw.
As if one minute I'm one person, then the next I'm someone else.
Earlier in life I was ruled by my mind and reason, which I rejected by telling Niv everything that bothered me. Well, almost everything.
When I lost him my body was taken over by my heart.
But only for a brief moment because eventually, what can I say... I started to think with my dick.
And that splits me into two.
Marcin-heart and Marcin-dick.
My heart is a bit lyrical comparing with the non poetic penis. And it doesn't matter how stupid it sounds.
That stupid part of my body is quite patient. But still needs a lot of attention and tenderness.
And actually believe it or not it can understand quite a lot.
It knows that I doused the Redhead with my feelings.
I poured into him all that is poisoning him now, just like it was poisoning me.
Because my feelings have never been clean. But I can't help that.
I felt better after I did it.
As if someone sucked the venom out of me.
As if someone ripped the dark thin net of a heavy fabric off of me, through which I watched the world.
Everything became clear and straight forward again.
Because new thoughts and new desires surfaced.
When I followed my heart and reason I didn't think about my sexual needs so often. And the eventual adventures took place rather because of the need of being close to someone. But when one element disappeared my life was taken over by my body's desires.
I want to drink him bad.
I want him to quell my thirst.
And this is where I argue with myself.
Because on one hand I want to take him already, but on the other hand...I do understand that the Redhead needs more time.
I'm getting a brain fry because of that and the snake on my neck is hissing more frequently.
I try to sate myself with sweet drinks. I drink them only to make me feel worse.
I turn off my heart when I do it with strangers.
Every day I wonder when is it going to come out. When he will notice that?
And when he does if that will spoil any chance I could have with him.
A simple slut.
I run 'cause I can't stop,
My body like a machine
Without control is racing forward.*
We don't talk to each other much lately. The Redhead is more silent that usual and I have this feeling that I don't have the right to start any sort of conversation.
He comes home later than usual.
Twice a week he has his ninja classes... but what about the rest of the week?
It bugs me...
I don't want him staying at his place.
I don't want him to try and mend whatever went wrong between them.
Although it's not like that...not that I don't want to...
I'm simply scared.
The thoughts running through my head
Like the supernova's surface
Light up violently...
I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that premonition that it all will work out somehow.
I don't know
what I would do...
Today we had a talk with Winter's manager.
And no, we didn't see Winter in person even for a second.
What did we find out?
That it's ONLY ME who will be going away to train my voice.
The band, school...
For a few months.
It scared me. Because it is such a big chance that we got, but it would be me who would carry most of the load on my shoulders.
Besides... Firka has troubles with her work and we don't know what is going to happen. She probably counts on me. Because it is a chance not only for myself but for the whole band.
And they want it. I can see it.
And I... to be honest... I don't want to go. I prefer the silent Redhead than being alone...
Knowing that at night there will be no one next to me.
His telling me... to go, is not helping me either. Not at all.
We were playing sitting deep in our cushions. Concentrated on the game, in silence.
The Redhead came back home at a reasonable hour this time round.
It made me happy.
He talked to me normally.
Yesterday I told him a few things about... Winter. About my doubts and hopes concerning that trip.
About the fact that I miss him... just like that... like a friend.
That I need to have more talks with him, that I need to spend time with him.
I told him that... just like that. Without anger, sorrow or animosity.
Just like that...
He smiled and gave me hug.
Soothing my heart.
And harder before I lose my breath
Tense up, fill with fire,
I turn into a living torch.
- Yes? - he replied still looking at the monitor.
- Can you pause for a minute?
He looked at me. Stopped the game with a questioning look on his face.
- I just wanted to tell you that I won't push myself onto you anymore - I squeezed the pad in my fingers - because I respect your space. And although I'd love to, I won't cross the line. But that doesn't mean that... anything changed... you know, with me...
- With your feelings - he said, surprising me a little.
- Yes, my... feelings. For you.
I fucked the first I could get in the club.
He had nice back.
I live harder, feel and desire harder,
But I pay more,
Everything I touch burs down.
The Redhead came back home in the early morning... He didn't go to Uni.
I moved away from him. I despised touching him at that moment.
He didn't come back after school again.
We had a few beers with Firka. We talked. I love that girl. I can talk to her easily about all things - in contrast to him.
I don't get it.
Firka asked me if I'm not going too far with all this.
And how am I supposed to stop since I'm head over heels in it?
She said that maybe the Redhead is simply afraid that he won't be able to fulfil his expectations.
But I just wanted...
I wanted everything.
She noticed...that he looks differently at me. More often. He talks about me when I'm not around.
Great. Pity that I am the only one that can't see it.
She finished the conversation with: Maybe the fact that you are near him all the time stops him from thinking about you that way. The way you would like him to think about you? And YOU can't think about him differently either. Soberly.
Maybe you to need to take a break and spend some time separately? Take a time out for a breather?
I should leave him again?
The history would make a full circle again.
Difficult is my ginger fate
Difficult is my ginger fate
Da di da na ginger la