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14. The Blonde
Head bent back.
Blonde mohawk moved swiftly.
Brows lifted the eye lids followed.
Confident and strong.
Hand moving down the cold, vertical stand.
Long fingers leaving red long mark on the skin.
Sliding down the neck.
To his shoulders.
As if there were only him and you.
No one else.
You can hear your breath.
As if in a slow motion.
The row before last.
Two shadowed places.
- He's good.
The light haired, giddy man looked to the man sitting next to him with a look on his face that said "didn't I tell you?"
But in that look there was something else as well.
But the older man sitting next to him was used to that.
- He definitely can get your attention. He has a good voice, although most of those guys are better than him - the bearded man said.
- But none of them can pull at your attention like he does. None can build that kind of story and tension. And definitely none can scream like he does.
The older man laughed.
- Are you looking for someone that can "scream"? You? The master of whispering?
The light haired man with the pale complexion, without looking at his companion smiled. Like a fox, with the corner of his mouth.
- I'm not looking for my impersonator. I want someone who is similar to me but very different at the same time.
- And you think that's him? - the man asked, tugging at the sleeve of his button down shirt that was peeking from under a very elegant and expensive suit jacket.
- Not yet.
- "Not yet"? - he asked confused.
- Not yet... - the light haired man repeated with an absent voice - He didn't show everything he has, yet. He can scream louder, he can reach farther. Not just from his visceral muscles.
The older man was watching the misty profile of the light haired man. His absent, cold stare.
It has been a while, since he saw Winter in that kind of state.
He smiled inwardly.
It wasn't important anymore if that "screaming" guy was good or not. If his voice was good enough. Or how he looks.
It was important that he influenced Winter.
He was waking him up from the lethargy.
I entered the hotel room.
Let out a sigh.
Again in that "rat hole".
Because it's a little bit like two separate worlds.
In one of them I fulfil myself. I do what I love.
And in the other one... I constantly think about the fact that I won't be able to fall asleep.
That I'm alone.
I'm counting how many cigarettes I got left.
I dropped to the mattress, stretching my arms wide at the sides.
Still with all my gear on - the leather jacket and boots.
I looked up to the ceiling. I stretched my hand toward it.
Splaying my fingers wide apart, reaching for something that wasn't there.
The music still played in my head. I wanted it to stay with me for as long as possible.
It eased me, gave me peace in the chaos. Gave me my freedom.
Creating a whole new world.
But only when I was a part of it.
So now I have this question.
Why did I choose to study IT then?
I'm good at it and I like it, fact.
But my biggest passion...
Is for singing.
That's what I can lose myself in.
Maybe... Maybe if I didn't discourage myself by that damn piano... or if I just trained in singing from the beginning, then that would be the path I would choose.
But then I wouldn't... get to know the Redhead.
That is why I chose IT.
Karma wrote it down for me, that's it.
But if I wouldn't choose it... would I ever come across Nivan?
If I would meet him somehow, I would want to fuck him.
That's for sure.
In the end it probably would be the other way around. He would fuck me, if at all. Knowing him.
I'm wondering if I would fall in l-lalalala-love with him then too.
Probably I wouldn't have cotton legs and dick, whenever I see him.
And I would probably not cry every other step.
I'm turning into a pussy.
But maybe it is the music and the singing that causes me to lose myself.
And in some manner I turn into my real self. I'm showing the real "I".
Maybe it's the same with him.
"Pussy" can't be the real "me".
- Nivan? - he asked sitting in front of the laptop. Supporting his head. Looking at the open notebook with his bored eyes.
- Will you take me to your parents someday? - Marcin continued, pausing reading to look at the screen.
The Redhead looked up from what he was doing at the laptop. Looking at the screen in which he saw the brown stare.
- My parents? Where did that idea suddenly come from? - Nivan asked lifting his brows.
- I always liked your family. Your mum liked me, she always cooked something nice.
- I'm guessing that you're just hungry - Nivan said with a shrewd smile on his face.
- A little bit. The food here is not that good. I miss your cooking... - he said.
- My "cooking"? - the Redhead Laughed. - I think you are seeing too much into things.
- Call it as you like. It is good. And don't laugh, because Firka told me that her brother's man knows how to cook. And look what it got them? Even that cold exalted Illyas got engaged.
- You want to tell me, that "the way to man's heart is through his stomach"? - Nivan laughed again.
- Well, it is quite possible. When I first moved in with you I wanted to strangle you. And then it just... - Marcin drew the sentence out frowning, not really knowing how it all changed so drastically.
- It's not the food.
- What is it then? - asked Marcin.
- It's my innate alfa male charm - Nivan stated with a saucy smile.
- Pfft. Sure. You wish - said Marcin squinting his eyes.
- No, I don't wish. It simply is the truth.
- Narcissist, nasty, lazy junkie-no-life. Your cooking must really be ace to dull all the vices.
- Now you are just tasting food from a different oven. Wait and maybe you'll change your mind about it - said Nivan a little angry.
- No, I won't change my mind - said Marcin with total conviction in his voice - I won't let my sexual abstinence go to waste.
- And you still about the same - Niv rolled his eyes.
- I want to emphasize that I do make an effort here - he said firmly then added his eyes falling:
- And I want to tell you that I like you with all your vices.
- You don't know everything... you don't know all of them - Niv said, smiling a bit.
Marcin was looking at him in silence for a moment.
- I know that... - he started slowly - that you cheated on your last man. And that you slept with Nathan and with Illyas's current fiancé.
The Redhead lifted his brows.
- How do you know about that? - he asked really surprised, although it wasn't about "those" kind of vices he was talking about earlier.
- You knew who I was sleeping with as well although I didn't tell.
Nivan was silent for a long moment looking at the cyber reflection of Marcin's face.
- I don't want to defend myself. I know why I did it - said Niv firmly.
Marcin smiled a sad smile.
- You don't have to... but I am surprised that you are so scared that I will be doing it with others. And that you didn't want to do it with me... earlier. I felt as if I was lacking.
- Do we really have to talk about that again? - Nivan asked with a resignation in his voice.
- It just came up... I'm not doing it on purpose, believe you me - he said it with a sneer.
Nivan looked at Marcin shaking his head slightly and went back to the work he was doing on his laptop.
But the quiet didn't last long.
- So why didn't you want to do that earlier with me? - Marcin asked again breaking the silence.
The Redhead clenched his jaw.
- You know that you are trying my patience now? - Nivan said giving him a hard stare.
- Why do you have such problems answering questions? And allusions? - Marcin asked frowning.
- Because you are still drilling down on one and the same thing. If you are so desperate then go to the faggot town and stop pestering me - he said in an angry tone.
- You know...YOU KNOW?! - he yelled at him, disbelieving what he just heard.
He really wanted to get up and walk out on him. He really did.
Yes, he felt a bit desperate. But that's not what this was all about.
- I'm not going anywhere... - Marcin barked under his nose keeping his arms crossed over his chest.
They sat like that in silence for a while, looking at each other.
In silence that was unpleasant and intense.
- Marcin I already explained it to you - Niv finally gave in - I was with Josh.
- Well back then you were with Josh too and still, you did it with others.
- Then... Then it was something different - Niv said.
- It's a long, stupid and complicated story.
- I have the time - Marcin said.
- But I don't. I wanted to finish homework - Nivan replied calmly but with a frown.
Marcin knew that the Redhead felt uncomfortable in this situation, but he still wanted to know.
He wanted to know and that's it. He felt that he had the right to.
The Redhead saw Marcin's stare. He knew he will pester him until he spills it all. So he gave him the story.
- I was supposed to leave with Alex. Far away - Nivan said finally.
- With Alex... and with Matt? - he asked confused.
- No. Only with Alex - seeing Marcin's expression he added quickly - I never slept with him, he's just a friend.
Marcin felt relieved at the last bit but he tried to hide it so that Nivan wouldn't see it.
- I'll explain it to you one day - the Redhead continued - I wanted to destroy everything to leave without any regrets. So that I didn't have anything to go back to.
- How come...? And what about family?
The Redhead gave him a sad smile.
Marcin saw in that expression so much more.
A secret of sorts. Or maybe something heavy that bugged Nivan.
But at that moment he felt he didn't have the right to ask...
- So you wanted to leave... with your buddy Alex. Who was with Matt at that time? And you were with Josh. - Marcin tried to put the picture together in his head - And you slept with others, to ruin the relationship with your man?
- Well yes, but that is a much narrowed down version of it all - Nivan grimaced.
Marcin smiled with the corner of his mouth and lifted a brow.
- Well, you are a mean bastard, you know? It was an interesting way to say to your guy "I don't want to be with you anymore. I'm leaving".
- Hey, I never said that I am pure as crystal now did I? - Niv said lifting his chin.
- I can see that - Marcin shot back.
- What was that supposed to mean? - Nivan asked quickly.
- I don't know - he said honestly - maybe I'm jealous, or maybe I feel that it isn't fair. Because it's me who is the bad one all the time.
- You? - Nivan asked ironically.
- Yeah, me.
- Don't be stupid. Do I need to remind you of all the situations in which you cried?
Marcin was silent, looking at the screen intently... a bit angry.
- You are pissing me off right now... - Niv said, being on the verge of being angry and powerless - Why I didn't want to do you? Is that what it is about? Because you were still angry at me. I was happy that I could get my old friend back although you were constantly picking at me. And yes, I do know that you were pissed because of me. But then I didn't know that THIS was what it was about. Besides I was with Josh. After what I did to him, we had a chance at working things out. I was mainly thinking about that. About getting my man and my childhood friend back.
- Well it didn't quite work out the way you planned it then... - Marcin smiled a bit, still holding his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes twinkling mischievously - You are more handsome when you are angry, you know.
- ... - Niv didn't know what to answer to that one - You better stay where you are, because otherwise I might go to jail for murder - he said finally.
- I just hope there's going to be a sexual assault involved.
Nivan rolled his eyes resigned.
- I'm going back to work - he said shaking his head.
- Okay sweetie.
The Redhead gave Marcin a murderous look.
I actually started to like the way Nivan was angry with me sometimes.
Especially when thanks to it I could see... that... he cares... somehow.
Because on one hand he gets mad that he "has to" tell something more from deep inside his heart. And on the other... he says it anyway.
It's a bit charming.
Maybe even a bit more than only a bit.
During that conversation... I realized that, there is a lot we need to find out about ourselves. But I definitely would prefer to do that sitting next to him...
Because I feel... that some facts from his life are not good in some way... Because Nivan changed... He closed in on himself.
Now I can see that.
- I won't do it - he said in English, sitting on a low bench to the woman standing across from him.
- Why? - she asked in a calm voice but firmly still.
- Because I'm here to sing and not to form some gay boys-band. I won't dance, end of.
He felt the looks of others on him but he didn't give a squat about it.
He had his principles.
He won't sell his ass like the others do it constantly.
- Then you are free to go - she said looking down at him pointing to the door.
Marcin got up, took his bag and went for the door.
- Winter will hear about this - she added.
He lifted his hand, not even turning around to her, as if to say "yeah whatever". Silencing her.
He really didn't give a damn.
And the feeling only grew in strength with the time.
It was almost a month already.
He missed home.
He missed Firka.
He missed the guys from his band.
But what he missed the most was Nivan's bed, Nivan's food and his little snake girl.
He lost weight.
"I don't sleep well, I eat little and think a lot.
When I sing or talk to Nivan then I feel happy.
I miss you."
He wrote to Firka yesterday.
Everything was bitter-sweet.
The conversations with Nivan were working out nicely. Sure, they argued sometimes but they always managed to finish their call with two smiles on their faces.
And that was important to him.
He tried not to touch any important and difficult subjects with him.
He asked about the past few days, about Firyal, Muffins, school...
Sometimes they just sat in silence doing their work.
But he didn't feel alone thanks to this.
He was walking a bit uneasy thinking about what just happened.
He didn't look ahead of him, but down at his quickly moving boots.
Spooked, he felt a strong hand clutching at his arm that tried to stop him. He saw somebody's heavy boots so he looked up.
Into bright, light blue eyes.
- You not in class? - the light haired guy with the melodic voice asked.
"You won't be a pussy. Not in front of Winter."
- No - Marcin said firmly.
- Why? - Winter was looking down at him with the sleepy, cold look. Not even blinking.
- I came here to sing, not dance.
- These classes will help you to move on the stage - Winter replied in a calm level tone.
- I know how to move on the stage - said Marcin. Still looking into the cold eyes. Fighting not to let his gaze fall.
Winter, to Marcin's total surprise smiled a little. Barely noticeable, with the corner of his mouth.
- Yeah, hard to deny... - he said quietly, letting his gaze stray from Marcin's.
They were standing like this for a moment.
In total silence, so that Marcin thought he could hear his frantic heartbeat.
The man was standing still as if considering something.
- On the 10th of April... - said Winter slowly finally returning his eyes to Marcin - ...on the 10th of April I'll be at a party. Singing. I want you to come.
- On the 10th? Me? Alone? - he asked surprised.
- With my manager. So what's it going to be?
- Sure... - he agreed felling a bit lost.
- Great - Winter said nicely accentuating the word.
Without saying a word he went past Marcin and left him standing there.
Leaving the shocked Marcin in the white corridor.
I had a dream tonight.
It is rare for me to remember my dreams. Maybe because when I finally manage to fall asleep I sleep like the dead.
It was a weird dream.
Beautiful... but weirdly unsettling.
I dreamt that I was running...
On a gray and overcast day.
Through the woods. Wading through ankle deep snow.
As if running away from something.
Passing tall trees.
I was stumbling. But I was running without stopping.
Ahead of me.
Tired I leaned against a tree and looked ahead.
My eyes registered a big meadow covered in snow.
Surrounded by a wall of snow covered trees.
In middle of which he stood.
With his back to me.
And I knew that I wasn't running away.
I was chasing the man that was actually standing not that far off.
Straight. Proud. Unmoving.
As if that space, that meadow belonged only to him.
I made the first step. The man turned his head in my direction, holding on to the hood on his head. As if he could hear the creaking sound of the snow under my boots.
I saw his face.
But it wasn't what pulled me to him.
It was the red of his hair, when I finally saw it.
An intensive, vibrant red.
In that surrounding me, overwhelming gray.
Nivan pulled the hood back.
And I looked as if enchanted to those falling red hair.
I looked away reluctantly for a moment, looking down at something that stood at my side for quite a while now.
It was snow white in colour.
Looking at me with his white stare, looking to Nivan's red hair.
Without any words.
Without any sounds.
The wolf suddenly moved ahead.
And behind him ten others followed, quickly emerging from the forest.
But Nivan didn't move.
He was still looking at me when the pack ran past him.
The wolves vanished in the tree line.
We were left alone.
I approached him.
My steps unsure.
We stood like that across from each other. Close. Looking into our eyes.
Nivan smiled with the corner of his mouth.
He took my face in his hands.
Kissed my lips.
But before I could open my eyes he was already a few steps away. With his back to me.
And I saw him... falling.
Into the white snow.
I run to him. Fast. Kneeling beside him, I looked into his face.
Peaceful and gentle.
Staring at the gray sky.
That was when...
It flew down.
A colourful bird. Like a peacock.
It sat on his palm that was turned toward the sky.
They looked to each other with peace. And with...with something that...
...made me feel...
Made me feel that there's no room for me in that meadow.
I wanted to leave.
But I noticed that the red... that vibrant, consuming red...
Is not the colour of his hair anymore.
It was blood that was surrounding his face.
Soaking in the snow.
Like oil running down his hair showing a new colour underneath.
The bird flew away then.