It was one of those realistic ones.
I mean... everything was so damn realistic in it, but in the real world its probability is less than nil.
Normally after dreams like that, when I wake up, I'm happy that in the end it was only the work of my imagination.
But today it was the other way around.
And I'm a bit shocked by that realisation.
The dream was a bit like a movie, like a slide show.
I had my own place but I lived alone. And that's not a promising outlook for the future. No matter how you look at it. The dream was abstract enough to hold on to the hope that the reality will be different. And I was older, not by much though. But I have finished Uni that was sure.
Now when I think about it I wouldn't want to live alone. To have my own place - sure. But be in those four walls on your own?
No. Definitely not.
I think I got addicted to company.
When they left for those three days, I was glad at first. But only half a day passed when I started to miss them.
Eating alone for prolonged periods of time didn't feel normal anymore. Peace and quiet wasn't soothing anymore.
I missed Marcin constantly popping in and out of my room and babbling about the biggest crap in the world, or about... his problems. Singing religious songs, making mess everywhere. Or Firka's hesitant knocking and constant requests to cook something together.
And it were only three days...
I think that was the reason my head came up with the dream.
And I dreamt about...
That I had a son.
I already hear others laughing and me myself as well somewhere on the inside, because who? ME? The Redhead is not able to have a son.
And it's not that the laptop fried my balls and now I'm infertile [probably], but because... women are for me, hmm... abstract. Putting it mildly.
I think that I preferred men since forever and girls were like sisters to me. Then after some events, I even was scared of them for a while. And I was keeping away from them for a while. Now, I think it got a little bit better... but still. NO. Definitely not. Never.
But going back to my dream... I said that it was a bit like a slide show, sometimes strangely cropped.
When I close my eyes I still have that boy in front of them.
I open the door.
Slowly. Not really knowing what awaits me behind them.
I see a child. Black haired, staring at me, holding the woman's hand. I'm not lifting my eyes to look at her.
She doesn't say a thing, but I already know.
I stand there petrified. I feel lost more than that little boy who is staring at me with his green gaze.
The door closes. We stand there. Facing each other.
Without words, looking at each other's silhouettes.
Looking for the similarities in us. Making sure this is not some sort of a mistake.
He has my eyes and hair colour, my stare... my nose.
No. This's not a mistake.
I see him stretching his tiny hand reaching out to me. And he has that hopeful look on his face as if trying to say "get a grip".
I take his hand felling... that there is nothing to be afraid of really. That we are practically the same.
I ask him questions to which he bravely gives me answers. But I don't hear them, as if I am standing somewhere in the back, only a spectator to this event.
But I still smile because he is just like me.
We laugh and I show him my small flat, while he is still holding on to my hand.
And I feel that his whole world is also becoming mine.
I make breakfast for him, I help him dress then walk him to school.
He gives my neck a strong squeeze when he says bye. I walk him with my eyes the rest of the way to the building. And I already miss him.
I come to pick him up looking for the black hair in the sea of all the other children. He runs over to me quickly and straight away starts telling me what happened during the day.
I take his backpack and we go to the park. We walk past the fountain that holds my eyes for a moment.
We feed the ducks.
He runs away because he wants me to catch him. So I follow and catch him giving him a hug. I sit him up on my shoulders because his legs hurt. He holds my neck tightly and whispers something in my ear.
I smile at those words and ruffle his hair.
He does his homework and I sit at my computer.
He's smart, he likes math.
He comes over to me and takes hold of my hand. He pulls me out of the world that still has the power to suck me in.
We play together, just like that.
We have a bath, splashing the water around.
He has a thousand toys with him. I pretend to be all the monsters and bad characters, which he overpowers easily.
I wash his hair trying not to get the suds in his eyes.
I read him a good night story. Kiss him on the forehead.
That is when I hear his sleepy voice.
For the first time.
"Dad... Please, stay with me a while longer...
The alarm clock ripped me out of the dream.
I came back to reality.
I was lying like that with a tight throat.
It still is.
I never dream about things that moving or things that leave me so shaken.
That dream gave me a massive mind-fuck.
I miss that boy. Although it is really stupid.
It's funny really... because only a few months back I was wondering if I was able to take care of a rabbit.
But I think something changed in me.
Maybe because I can take care of myself now?
Still, faggots should have the option "I want a son" switched off.
They definitely, should.